Jenny Schatzle

Chris Tompkins

A Parent’s Guide to Raising LGBTQ Children and Allies

EPISODE: 60  |   DATE: October 7, 2021

“Where there has been rupture there is an opportunity for repair. And it’s in the repair that we grow stronger in our relationship.”

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Key Takeaways

Chris Tompkins is a teacher, speaker, consultant, and spiritual life coach based in Los Angeles, CA. He helps folks do the inner work so that their outer lives reflect the good they feel about themselves. Chris is also a Marriage and Family Therapist in training and author of the book titled, Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent’s Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground.



  1. Raising LGBTQ Allies is a book about exploring the collective societal messages in our dominantly straight culture that get passed down and internalized subconsciously as beliefs. Unless we consciously consider where these messages come from or why we believe them, nothing is going to change.
  2. Many parents do not know at what age is the best age to talk to their children about gender and sexuality.
  3. Chris believes that if your child is old enough to ask about it, they are old enough to have the conversation.
  4. Oftentimes when we as adults think of gender and sexuality, we have an adult construct of what that means. That’s why a lot of parents and caregivers think they’re not old enough to understand because you’re projecting your adult concept of gender and sexuality onto a young person. 
  5. Chris defines the concept of benign neglect and how harmful it is. Benign neglect is essentially not looking at or talking about something that clearly needs to be talked about.
  6. Chris experienced benign neglect with his family and many others and experienced that they thought: if they ignore it or don’t talk about it then they won’t have to deal with it or address it. That’s benign neglect. 
  7. It’s important that we take proactive action to introduce these concepts and notions and differences with children at a young age. Issues like race and ethnicity and gender. Because it’s going to come up no matter what.
  8. Chris breaks down heteronormativity which is that you are assumed straight at birth. It’s a subconscious and dominant societal belief.
  9. If you’re having trouble having these conversations with your kids, Chris recommends using books to help. Children’s books about gender.

Resources mentioned in this episode

Chris Book: Raising LGBQT Allies

Book about gender: George  

Gender Nation:

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